[But, somehow, it’s different coming from him. Knowing how much more difficult it must be for him to say things like this than it might be for other people... There might not be much to smile about here, but she tries to manage it.]
[He sounds genuine about this, though a little lost.]
Something similar occurred while I was assigned to Lieutenant Anderson. At first, he was only the human I was assigned to. But, once I began to learn more about him... I thought, given a little more time, we could have become great friends.
[They could have. They didn't. Now, though—]
I've had the same thoughts about you. [...] Perhaps I've been compromised for far longer than I initially believed.
[The look on her face as she takes all that in is relieved and happy all at once... But more than that, it's proud. The smile she lost in her surprise is filling in again; something about hearing him finally say that makes her chest feel full.]
Compromised is a pretty harsh word for knowing what it's like to care about someone, you know.
I wasn't meant to know, Zoe. Saying I'm only "compromised" is a kindness.
[He could, you know, say he's defective. Malfunctioning. Broken. There are plenty of objectives to pick from, given that he's still uncomfortable with his growing system instability. He's accepted that he cares for her, but...]
[The look on her face is fond, warm - it's not hard to tell how much hearing that matters to her.]
Well... Then, we'll just have to make sure that's a really long time. I know I'm not going to forget you, even when all of this has been over for ages.
... I'm sorry, it may not be for a very long time. [He sounds a little regretful about this, but otherwise accepting of it.] But... I'll remember you for however long that may be, as well. You have my word.
[Whatever she was about to say hangs in the air as she cuts off, realizing exactly what he's getting at. It's not that she hasn't realized that things are dangerous for him; he's talked about how he's worried about being destroyed if he's ever deemed not functional.
Still, she can't say she ever really realized what he's implying here.]
But - even if they had to make a new body for you or whatever, they'd still upload all of your memories, right? Isn't that important for someone they designed to do detective work?
[It might be a blessing that he looked away, if only for the way her expression continues to fill with horror.]
No, that is correct. I have all three months worth of memories from my predecessor, but... [He pauses, as if trying to decide how to best explain this.] The process used to reupload my memories is flawed. Though most of my memories are intact, several are heavily corrupted and inaccessible.
[Which is... fine. He hasn't lost anything overly important so far. He can deal with it if he's destroyed again, but... He knows that whatever attachments he has to his memories will be temporarily gone. He'll feel just as empty and detached as he did on the rooftop.]
There's... also the fact that I am the 52nd Connor android, but I only have the memories of the 51st. I know nothing of what happened to the first fifty iterations. [...] With that in mind, it's logical to assume I may be reset at the end of my current assignment to preserve confidentiality — or to facilitate the potential commercial release of the RK800 line.
[No one tell him about his bad ending. It gets worse.]
[She doesn’t speak until he’s finished, and her first words come slowly. It becomes more apparent why when she blinks rapidly a few times, and when her voice emerges, it’s thick with tears.]
That gets him to look up, startled when she shouts — and then horrified when he realizes she's crying. He sure as heck has no idea what to do in this situation, which becomes quickly apparent when he just. Kind of. Haltingly reaches for her. The fuck did he do.]
Please, Zoe— [So, so alarmed.] Don't be upset. It's okay.
[He doesn't know what to do with this. For all of CyberLife's wealth and vast resources, no single programmer could have prepared Connor to deal with a crying teenage girl. Much less, one that's upset for him. He ends touching her wrist, trying (and probably failing) to calm her down.]
But I'm not alive. I'm not a real person. [Quietly. Imploringly. As if reassuring her of how normal this is will help.] There's nothing for them to "take." It's common for androids to be reset and reformatted as necessary.
[He allows her to take his hand, squeezing once she has a proper grip. He hates that she still sounds upset, and he hates that there's no suggestion in his social relations program to make this better. He's quiet for a moment, simply staring at their hands, before he slowly shakes his head.]
I'm sorry. I can't... [Can't be human. Can't be real. Can't avoid the inevitable?] I never meant to cause you grief.
[With one holding his, her free hand comes up to rub away the tears that keep falling. She pauses for a few moments to try to blink them away, and it half works - it's enough that she can take once those seconds tick by.]
You can. I don't want to go home knowing you're just going to... [A pause, a few more blinks.] You're one of my best friends here. I love you.
He's tensing up the moment those last three words leave her mouth, going still in the way only an android can. Maybe it's a good thing his LED is gone, because it would surely be spinning a mile a minute if he still had it. His jaw tightens, and when he begins to talk, it's slowly and quietly.]
You're one of my best friends, too. But I don't... [Trailing off, before shaking his head.] I can't be what you want me to be. I'm sorry.
[Looking a little like she's been slapped, she lets go of his hand to rub at her eyes for a moment.]
Please. I don't want to... let you down.
[It might not be clear to him why she's chosen that specific plea. It feels more distant since coming here, but it's all too fresh. All my hope is pinned on Zoe. She's starting to feel like that's true of certain people here, too, and she'd thought - hoped - maybe things would turn out differently this time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[But, somehow, it’s different coming from him. Knowing how much more difficult it must be for him to say things like this than it might be for other people... There might not be much to smile about here, but she tries to manage it.]
But... You’re a really good friend, Connor.
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[He's been burnt before, after all.]
It's... important to me that we're friends.
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Is that part of your programming, too?
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No. It isn't.
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That knocks the small smile off her face, replaced by surprise; she glances up at him, not sure quite what to feel.]
Well... Good. [But, also:] Where do you think it came from, then?
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[He sounds genuine about this, though a little lost.]
Something similar occurred while I was assigned to Lieutenant Anderson. At first, he was only the human I was assigned to. But, once I began to learn more about him... I thought, given a little more time, we could have become great friends.
[They could have. They didn't. Now, though—]
I've had the same thoughts about you. [...] Perhaps I've been compromised for far longer than I initially believed.
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Compromised is a pretty harsh word for knowing what it's like to care about someone, you know.
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[He could, you know, say he's defective. Malfunctioning. Broken. There are plenty of objectives to pick from, given that he's still uncomfortable with his growing system instability. He's accepted that he cares for her, but...]
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Do you regret it, then?
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... No, I don't think I do. [...] I'm glad to have met you. Both of you. That won't change for as long as my memories remain intact.
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Well... Then, we'll just have to make sure that's a really long time. I know I'm not going to forget you, even when all of this has been over for ages.
now perish
TURN ON YOUR LOCATION
What do you mean?
:')
Do you recall what I told you before? About my predecessor being destroyed?
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[Whatever she was about to say hangs in the air as she cuts off, realizing exactly what he's getting at. It's not that she hasn't realized that things are dangerous for him; he's talked about how he's worried about being destroyed if he's ever deemed not functional.
Still, she can't say she ever really realized what he's implying here.]
But - even if they had to make a new body for you or whatever, they'd still upload all of your memories, right? Isn't that important for someone they designed to do detective work?
[It might be a blessing that he looked away, if only for the way her expression continues to fill with horror.]
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[Which is... fine. He hasn't lost anything overly important so far. He can deal with it if he's destroyed again, but... He knows that whatever attachments he has to his memories will be temporarily gone. He'll feel just as empty and detached as he did on the rooftop.]
There's... also the fact that I am the 52nd Connor android, but I only have the memories of the 51st. I know nothing of what happened to the first fifty iterations. [...] With that in mind, it's logical to assume I may be reset at the end of my current assignment to preserve confidentiality — or to facilitate the potential commercial release of the RK800 line.
[No one tell him about his bad ending. It gets worse.]
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[She doesn’t speak until he’s finished, and her first words come slowly. It becomes more apparent why when she blinks rapidly a few times, and when her voice emerges, it’s thick with tears.]
That’s not fair, Connor, they can’t just do that!
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Well.
That gets him to look up, startled when she shouts — and then horrified when he realizes she's crying. He sure as heck has no idea what to do in this situation, which becomes quickly apparent when he just. Kind of. Haltingly reaches for her. The fuck did he do.]
Please, Zoe— [So, so alarmed.] Don't be upset. It's okay.
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It’s not okay! You have memories and people you care about, things you want... That isn’t any different from being alive! They can’t take that away!
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But I'm not alive. I'm not a real person. [Quietly. Imploringly. As if reassuring her of how normal this is will help.] There's nothing for them to "take." It's common for androids to be reset and reformatted as necessary.
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I know you think that, but that’s not... [Tight, caught between a handful of tears:] You’re real to me, Connor, even if you don’t think so.
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I'm sorry. I can't... [Can't be human. Can't be real. Can't avoid the inevitable?] I never meant to cause you grief.
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You can. I don't want to go home knowing you're just going to... [A pause, a few more blinks.] You're one of my best friends here. I love you.
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He's tensing up the moment those last three words leave her mouth, going still in the way only an android can. Maybe it's a good thing his LED is gone, because it would surely be spinning a mile a minute if he still had it. His jaw tightens, and when he begins to talk, it's slowly and quietly.]
You're one of my best friends, too. But I don't... [Trailing off, before shaking his head.] I can't be what you want me to be. I'm sorry.
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Please. I don't want to... let you down.
[It might not be clear to him why she's chosen that specific plea. It feels more distant since coming here, but it's all too fresh. All my hope is pinned on Zoe. She's starting to feel like that's true of certain people here, too, and she'd thought - hoped - maybe things would turn out differently this time.
But maybe not.]
Please just think about it.
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I HATE YOU SO MUCH
you love me, also, cw suicide
britt voice: closes eyes